Breakthroughs

I had an interesting realization last night. After work, I finished painting the glider for Little Lady's room (it was a dark cherry color, but everything else in her room is white, so I wanted things to coordinate). Then I made dinner and we had a picnic outside while Little Man drove his car around the chalk-drawn "car road" I had made for him. Hub had to do some work so after dinner I put the kiddos in the stroller and we went for a walk. I let Little Man decide which way we would turn at every intersection and we collected leaves to do painted leaf prints when we got home.

My breakthrough occurred on the walk. I was looking down at my two great little ones, facing each other in the stroller and soaking in all the glorious sounds, smells, and sights of fall and I wondered why we hadn't been going for walks every night all summer long. And then I realized - it was my fault and the reasons were two-fold.

Reason One: I was so tired. By the end of the work day when I went to take over kid care I just didn't have any energy. This was partially because both my kids are up at least once a night, but primarily because I wasn't feeding myself the right foods. I was sluggish. I was carrying a lot of water weight and moving my body was hard and uncomfortable. So, it was a lot easier not to do it. Now that I'm choosing quality foods that are high in protein and nutrients and are low in sugar, fat, and processing I have more energy.

Reason Two: I was selfish. I've never really thought about it this way before, but I was being entirely selfish in the way that I was living my life (at least emotionally). I was in a cycle of thinking and eating that led to only one thing: guilt. That guilt made me angry with myself and embarrassed and lazy and that meant I couldn't be nice enough to myself to go on walks and enjoy the beautiful place that I live. And that was selfish. My kiddos missed out on some beautiful long summer days because I was feeling too guilty and was punishing myself. Now that I'm taking care of myself, my mental fog has lifted and I can allow myself to enjoy things again. Things as simple as a driveway picnic and a walk down the street. Things that I didn't even realize I was taking away from myself (and, as a result, my children).

In all my years of dieting yo-yos, I'd never really made the connection between my indulgent eating and selfishness. Perhaps it's because the idea of "putting myself and my health first" sounds more selfish then eating a pan of brownies. But, as it turns out, putting myself in a position to stop punishing myself has been the most selfless thing I've done all year. It's opened me up to being a better mom, wife, and friend. I can stop hiding, I can stop punishing myself, and I can stop making excuses as-if I'm not capable of better than I've been accomplishing. I can stop worrying about "me" and just be me. And it turns out, that's better for everyone.

Source: Segullah